I detest the act of gift giving. That's probably rude to say, but there it is. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've given a gift that was touching, heartfelt, and appreciated. People just don't need lots of things. And we all have so much, it's hard to delight anyone with material goods. Even my little sisters are jaded... Christmas doesn't have that delighted edge anymore. I get the feeling that each year, the squeals are a little more of an act.

Houdini was a basket case when it came to gifts. On some level, I can understand the root of his feelings. Combined with his personality, it became an obstacle that prevented him from going home to visit his family for Christmas- among other things. There are more layers of expectation than there are lady fingers in a good tiramisu.

I usually just fail to purchase a gift. As my eccentricities slowly evolve in a direction that makes me understand why most old men are so strange, I figure that's just one more notch on the whacko stick. But when I do buy a gift, I've started giving what I call Ugly Gift Certificates™.

It's pretty simple, really. Go to the store of your choice where, under tackier circumstances, you might buy the person a gift certificate. Wander the store until you find something that you can picture someone unwrapping and finding utterly bizarre and/or appalling. Make sure you get a gift receipt, and voila! They get to open a gift, act excited (or disturbed), and still get store credit in the end.

Well, that was the idea, anyway. The first full scale attempt at this was for my friend Kacy's birthday. Señorita Trinity and I went to Cost Plus and bought a large metal elephant whose ass had a flap, bought various goodies and a small llama figurine and stuffed them inside. The elephant was the wrapping that she got to keep. And lo and behold, she actually liked all of the stuff! Everything there is living in their house now.

Last night, I took a shoe-cleaning hedgehog to my friend's birthday. She had asked for no gifts, so it wasn't anything large. I bought a gift bag for it because I wasn't sure how to wrap such an item... it was tearing itself out of the bag by the time she unwrapped it. And she loved it! After confusing it for a Chia Badger, she actually liked it and was fighting to keep their rottweiler from trying to eat it.

So maybe giving gifts is like bowling, or throwing darts. Sometimes no effort is the best effort of all.