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| These are not a few of my favorite things. |
The needles have been bugging me for days but I haven't had time to do anything about the majority of them. They start just under my left nipple and go down over my entire stomach, around my left side and a bit toward my back, down my left thigh... and of course all over my left palm and forearm. My friend Julie who was in town suggested that I use Nair to dissolve the needles; research online indicated that this wouldn't work, but that hair removal wax would. So I combined the logic of these two things.
Almost a whole bottle of Nair later, my chest, stomach, and part of my leg had been purged of hair. Now bare to the world, I shrieked and shielded my eyes from the high-albedo surface of my bare caucasian flesh. But I could immediately see red dots everywhere the needles were, and they stood out now instead of hiding. This was a Good Thing. Next, I melted the wax in the microwave and made a royal mess of it. It got all over my hands and all over the counter top, and everything it touches gets sticky and covered so it was really quite awful. I applied it carefully and tore each strip with great bravery and valor, only once or twice screaming, “Motherfucker!” or, “Ayieeeee!” as it made that awful zzzzzzzzzip sound.
In the end it wasn't 100% effective, but I'd say 90-95% of the needles are gone. At this point my skin is so inflamed from the puncture wounds, nair, and hot wax that I've decided to spray myself down with Bactine and just let it all recover. I'm sure there are more spines I've missed but I can do some spot treatments with the wax or use the tweezers for any small sections that are left.
And the lesson of the day, kids, is that Tampico and MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee are not the same thing. You can only mix one of these with coconut rum without inducing blackouts and love affairs with pointy desert landscaping.
Posted at 4:15 PM
Submitted by Dyanna
Wasn't this a scene in a Ben Stiller movie???
Submitted by homer
Ahhh sheesh, Adam! That all sounds pretty much like torture! Especially that part about getting a lapdance from a coworker's wife, making out with a woman, and finding yourself in her bed! How painful, indeed.
Submitted by David In Denver
Nairing on open wounds is goddamn painful. I know this for a fact. I waxed my chest once... the pain was not of this world.
But I'm pretty damn hairy, too.
Submitted by Division56
David: The cactus was the only bad part, really. :P
Divis: Well, I did the nair and THEN the wax, so as to prevent waxing the hair directly, which no doubt would have left me in tears.
Submitted by Adam
I have absolutley no sympathy for you. None.
But I did have a great time! I just wish it wasn't soo short! Or is that what she said about your dick?
Submitted by Julie
*shakes fist ineffectually*
Submitted by Adam
Did you really just nair your chest stomach and half of one leg ? You know you can tell us.
Submitted by Rich
Nair is not allowed to go anywhere else!!
Submitted by Adam
*weighs not being thought of a crass bitch against tickling Adam and pulling off shirt to mock*
*mocks shamelessly*
Submitted by Division56
I take it that we're not going to see pictures of this latest adventure, eh?
Submitted by mike
Hrm, we'll see. I've been told that other people snapped pictures of me while I was yarfing into the gumbo pot but I haven't seen them yet. I'll be the judge, I suppose. ;-)
Submitted by Adam
Yarfing in the gumbo pot... what a disgusting picture. I'm talking about the tragic post-cacti Nair and waxing results though.
Eh, I don't want to destroy my illusions if we ever manage to get together for dinner if you're stuck in Indianapolis.
Submitted by mike
Well, especially right now I'm all covered in red dots still... I actually think I look even thinner hairless, but it is sort of strange how the pattern of hair goes. It restarts at the top of my chest and at different heights on each leg. :-p I'm sort of like a hairy picasso painting. :-p
Submitted by Adam
Note to self: Do not read Adam's blog at work unless it is safe to laugh aloud and loudly. Bwahaha.