It's been a bit less than six months now since I retired from the old full-time gig. Various forms of transitional insanity have ensued, most of them neither too severe nor long lasting. I've discovered a few things about myself that aren't that surprising. Most of them fall under the heading, "Adam, the Reluctant Social Primate." Yes, my moods are optimal when I exercise regularly. Yes, my moods are optimal when I spend nontrivial amounts of time around other people. Introverted though I may be, a hermit I am not. (At least not a happy one.)
Those small wrinkles aside, my stress levels have probably been on the low end of my lifetime scale. Even as a kid I was a constant spaz after the age of 3, so it's been nice to relax almost completely.
But, wait. No stress? No battles to wage, no moral indignities to suffer, no rage or agony? System errors ensue.
So for... a month or two I guess, maybe three, I've occasionally had trouble sleeping at night when I become preoccupied with my heartbeat. I lay there and listen to it and it feels erratic. I obsess over it as though I'll hear it stop at any second. I've done enough reading that i'm pretty sure I'm just dealing with some minor anxiety/panic attacks. The first few times were the worst. When it comes on now, I know (mostly) that I'm not having an actual cardiac event.
I'm really not sure about the origins or causes. Maybe it's physiological on some level. Maybe I haven't been as physically active as I need to be, or I've been spending too much time with gaps where my normal stressors use to live. In any case, it's making me feel more connected to my autonomic processes than I used to be.
Breathing seems to be the access panel of sorts. There are lots of ways to breathe; fast, slow, high, low, deep, shallow. Each of those pairs is a spectrum, and manipulating the combination seems to be the key to overriding a hindbrain freakout. Slow, not too deep but not too shallow, and low in the belly works for me. Too fast, deep or high in the chest and everything flips upside down. I think it might be hyperventilation. Extremities get tingly, heartbeat and blood pressure go up, and occasionally I throw a double heartbeat or two.
In other words, yuck. The brain/body connection is both awesome and fucking scary. I could feel my body start to respond just now even as I described the sensations. Uncontrolled, it can trigger a feedback loop. Something as simple as gastrointestinal movement... (and there's a lot of that, as I've recently become aware)... would feel like a weird heartbeat, which would make me panic and trigger the whole cycle.
As long as I can remember, I've struggled with my fears. I used to think it was a sort of personality defect, but the older I get, the more I think it might be more physiological. It seems like I'm wired tighter than most people; my adrenal response is on a hair trigger and it's fierce. So the general theories and applications of anxiety reduction techniques aren't new to me... it's just new to need to use them to stop feeling like I'm about to physically die.
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