BE FOREWARNED that I am disabling the social sensibilities I typically use to avoid sounding like that russian lady with 100 cats for the duration of this post.

Once upon a time during my oversized herd of felines' transition from run-of-the-house to mostly-outdoor, I installed a cat flap in the laundry room. It was a little cheap thing but it seemed to do the trick until it pretty much self destructed sometime last summer. The door flopped off first and eventually some excessively well fed cat belly finished the job. The whole room is pretty much isolated from the house, though, so I didn't bother replacing it.

That was a huge mistake.

With the cat door gone, there has basically been a big inviting hole as the only thing between strangercats and the tasty foodstuffs I provide for the other, non-evil cats. First, I noticed the bowl emptying strangely fast. Then I started noticing that strangercats very often burst out of the house in terror when I pulled into the driveway. Finally one night I fed them, went inside, came back out in 2 minutes and found a strangercat red pawed. What was once a lovely tidy looking door was now a gaping portal through which interlopers traveled to ruin my day and eat every lamb and rice flavored morsel they could.

So I stopped leaving the food in their bowl and so far this week I've just taken the bag out there, poured them all something to eat, and then physically guarded the entrance. It's amazing how quickly they all come running. Every day I've seen at least one within 60 seconds, and I think the total average per day is at least four cats that show up before they finish eating.

Naturally, I hiss and bare my teeth at the strangercats and seeing a human do that is usually enough to scare the crap out of them. I've only had to chase a few on foot to seal the deal. I'm not quite sure what to do to solve the problem permanently, though.

I'd love to get one of those ridiculous magnetically locked models, but the good cats are too evil to wear collars. And I can get a regular heavy duty cat flap, but I'm worried that the strangercats have already breached the tasty sanctum and won't be daunted by a piece of plastic in their way. Although I guess a flap with a directional lock could work; fill up the food bowl and set it so it's an out-only door.

Beyond that, I'm at a loss. Three or four cats need access and the others all need to go to hell. Maybe I can put out traps for the evil cats and... relocate them. (into a plate of orange chicken.)