I was thinking for some reason recently about my felonious childhood. The statute of limitations has long since passed but it’s been so long that I rarely think of it anymore.
My mom was always an unapologetic media pirate. She’d rent videos and copy them to blank VHS tapes. She’d record stuff from HBO onto tapes. She’d copy Disney movies back before they sold them direct to consumer, and edit out the parts that scared me. (I don’t even remember exactly which ones. Some scene of the wicked stepmother from Snow White was replaced with VHF static. Some longer ones didn’t even have endings since the blank VHS tapes weren’t long enough. Does Bambi even have an actual ending?)
One of our first IBM PC’s came with a huge hard drive for the time. 100MB maybe. DOS partitions at the time could only be a certain maximum size- maybe 25MB or something like that, which I only remember because the guy who built us the computer loaded every partition up with a full library of pirated and freeware games and programs. It was an endless treasure trove starting from the D partition all the way up to H?
She ended up hiring the same guy to work at their small business at the time, and got him to teach me about the computer as part of his work in the office. He taught me the basics of BASIC. He taught me how to use the modem and dial up BBS’s, and the library at the time had a regularly printed list of local BBSs to dial into.
It was a wild time and I dug for anything fun or interesting that I could find. I found one BBS with a huge text library of conspiracy theories and X-Files level stories of alien encounters, top secret high technology experiments, details of cryptids of all sort.
But the real crazy stuff started when I found the warez BBSs and the sketchy stuff. By the time AOL was becoming widespread and started connecting to the internet, I found a program called AOHell. It was simple and did one thing.. generate valid but fake credit card numbers, along with plausible but random names and billing addresses to use to create fake accounts.
It’s crazy what you could get away with for a while there. Their dialup system didn’t support call tracing or caller ID yet. Their billing system didn’t verify payment information in realtime. So depending on when you created a fake account, you could rack up a ton of service time before they shut it down a few days later. And then you could just make another one and repeat it again and again.
I found IRC. I chatted with locals, distant strangers. I used some of the first VoiP apps to talk with people in Europe just to say hello, like it was a magical ham radio. Which it kind of was. The internet was still mainly populated with nerds. Smart people. The perverts were already there but they were nerdy and smart, too.
All of this was by the age of 14. There are a lot of reasons why I feel like a millennial, but I think that’s a big one. I may be a xenial but I’ve been chronically online for the majority of my conscious life, even if it was primitive at the start.
Dear Adam of 1986,
You’re so fun, and creative, and brave. Do you know what brave means? It means you have courage. Courage is what lets you do stuff even when you’re afraid to.
Stuff is about to change. It’s okay that it’s scary. You’re braver than you can imagine. It’s okay if you need to hide sometimes.
Try not to worry about being afraid. I know it’s hard, and it’s okay when you worry. I promise- a real promise- that even though sometimes it’s hard, things are just going to get better and better for you.
People love you. Not every grownup does, and that’s not your fault. There will be lots of people for you to love who feel good to be around. Hang in there when you know they don’t feel good.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s boring.
When things change, I know it’s scary and it hurts. It’s hard to understand now but hurting is part of growing up. You’ll learn new things, feel new things, and it’s going to be awesome. I promise.
Life is really, really long.
Hang in there, buddy. You’re not alone. It’s gonna be okay.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 1996,
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re braver than you realize. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have sex when you want to. Don’t be ashamed.
Change hurts but you’re on the brink of some real breakthroughs. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Change is growth. Let it hurt. You’re about to level up fast again.
Arizona isn’t so bad. You won’t be there forever and it’s going to teach you a lot. (Spoilers.)
Your thoughts about your career, about your long-term future, are great. Mom and Dad gave you a lot of bad advice, but they gave you some good advice too- and some good examples, along with a lot of bad ones. You’ll learn to sift through them for the diamonds.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2006,
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re braver than you realize. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Keep working out, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of sex. Don’t be ashamed.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. I know you usually don’t have anyone to go places with you, but they’re coming- lots of them, sooner than you’ll realize. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
Try to keep some fear of the drink in you, but don’t be ashamed. When you decide to try mushrooms, I know you’ll be nervous, but don’t try them when you’re drunk at night. Pick a nice day in the morning and listen to upbeat music.
Change hurts but you’re on the brink of some real breakthroughs. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Change is growth. Let it hurt. You’re about to level up fast again.
You’re probably winding down on the blog. Try to keep journaling, try to hold onto those things. You’ll appreciate them as you write them and when you occasionally revisit them later.
Stay strong with work. I know it’s exhausting but the people you love there love you too. You’re doing some great things, and your life isn’t as empty as you tell yourself it is.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2016,
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re braver than you realize. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Keep working out, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Don’t be ashamed.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. I know you usually don’t have anyone to go places with you, but they’re coming- lots of them, sooner than you’ll realize. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
Try to keep some fear of the drink in you, but don’t be ashamed. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but you’re on the brink of some real breakthroughs. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Change is growth. Let it hurt. You’re about to level up fast again.
Stay strong with work. I know it’s exhausting but the people you love there love you too. You’re doing some great things, and your life isn’t as empty as you tell yourself it is. When it’s time to let it go, don’t be ashamed.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2026,
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re braver than you realize. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Keep working out, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Revel in it, celebrate it.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
Try to keep some fear of the drink in you, but don’t be ashamed. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but change is growth. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re still not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2036, (55)
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re brave. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Keep working out, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Revel in it, celebrate it.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
Maybe you’ve tamed some of the demons and aren’t using substances as much now, but don’t be ashamed if you still depend on them. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but change is growth. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re still not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2046, (65)
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re brave. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it now.. it’s more durable and resilient than you think it is.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Brush your teeth and floss, or soak your dentures, whatevs. I know it’s a pain in the ass. Keep working out, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Revel in it, celebrate it.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
Maybe you’ve tamed some of the demons and aren’t using substances as much now, but don’t be ashamed if you still depend on them. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but change is growth. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re still not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2056, (75)
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re brave. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it and embrace the wisdom you’ve worked hard for.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Soak those dentures and give some amazing gumjobs. Keep moving your body, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Revel in it, celebrate it.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
If you’re still alive, I bet you’ve tamed some more demons and aren’t using substances as much now, but don’t be ashamed if you still depend on them. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but change is growth. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re still not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2066, (85)
Everything is about to change. It’s okay to be scared. You’re brave. There’s wisdom already inside of you that’s going to lead you where you need to go, help you find the love and support and lessons and experiences that will keep moving you further into the light.
Try not to panic. Think about braving therapy again soon. Keep trying to learn about your body. Trust it and embrace the wisdom you’ve worked hard for.
There are good people in your life who love you, teach you, and grow with you. There are more waiting to love you, teach you, and grow together. They’re all over the place. Try your best and try your best to really forgive yourself when you feel like you’ve fucked everything up. Try to reach out to lost connections once in a while. Your friendship is not a burden.
Keep loving Star Trek and finding things like it that feel good. It’s going to be a touchstone for you for a long, long time. Maybe forever.
Soak those dentures and give some amazing gumjobs. Keep moving your body, and don’t forget to stretch. And think about your posture. Have a lot of really good sex. Revel in it, celebrate it.
Keep going to the doctor, keep going to the dentist. It’s okay if you need to force yourself, but don’t ignore it. Years pass quickly.
Keep traveling. Keep hosting house parties. Keep making new friends. Think about meditation, even if you need to pace around the house or go on walks and clear your mind.
If you’re still alive, I bet you’ve tamed some more demons and aren’t using substances as much now, but don’t be ashamed if you still depend on them. You’re about to lose a lot of things you knew weren’t going to last forever, but felt like maybe they would. Try to take the lessons and give yourself grace for hurting. Listen to your pain. Try not to withdraw.
Change hurts but change is growth. Trust yourself. Let yourself flip tables, make mistakes. You feel old but you’re still not. Remember Martha. Life is long.
Love you,
Adam 2026
Dear Adam of 2076, (95)
I hope we touched a lot of people, did more good than harm in our time here, and that someone remembers us. (But it’s alright if nobody does.)
Love you,
Adam 2026
Just took a cooking class here in PV, spent a few hours with a local guy shopping for stuff at a couple local markets, picking up fresh tortillas, then making a huge batch of mole poblano with chicken and rice. Spectacular stuff.
I was thinking about my occasional times cooking food to bring in to the office and share with coworkers. I had more than one person over the years express surprise that I knew how to cook, maybe since I was a programmer. I just told them that it’s still programming, just with ingredients.
In the process of setting this whole publishing process up, I’m reminded of the significant chunk of my career I spent learning about and building similar systems. Starting at the Arizona Republic, it was such a cool moment in time to be there for the transition from old media to new media. The innocent early days of social media when that term was new, and it felt joyful and optimistic.
It was probably the last gasp before Facebook and Twitter ate everything, before smart phones started disabling our attention spans, and before.. well.. before it got easy enough for the dumb-dumbs to join the party and start shitting all over it.
I’m writing a ton today, partially to run my system through its paces, and partially because I really missed this. Rambling into the ether, putting words to my abstract thoughts, and ending the process with something that feels both accomplished and somewhat tangible.
Just spent a couple of really nice hours on the beach, soaking up the sun, reading and basking in the ocean.
I’m reminded of the origins of my domain name that’s been around for eons. It hosted this blog once before in the long ago. I chose the name based on the book Aristoi which I read as a pretty young person.. maybe 15, 16 years old? I remember moving to Phoenix in 1997 and being so enamored with the central library, I’d take my sisters to play and explore books on their own while I scoured the sci-fi section for interesting new ideas.
It’s strange to trace back to roots and remember how many of those concepts really resonated with me and sunk in and shaped me. This one in particular is, so far, shockingly queer, and impressively, proudly humanistic despite being set in a far far fantastical future. The whole concept of deliberately enticing multiple sub-personalities to be somewhat self sufficient and relying on them to bring their own special perspectives and skills to an integrated existence. And the simple idea that these personalities don’t necessarily have to match in terms of attraction, interest, intellect, wisdom, or even gender.
I’ve sought a stronger self since then. I still seek integration in a sense, but I long ago abandoned the thought of “excising” these elements as demons. Some of my biggest gains in terms of trauma recovery and finding peace has been turning self-hatred for my parts into self-love and grace. I haven’t thought for a long time about the idea of engaging with them in an outright way to leverage them consciously.. it’s something I’m going to be doing some thinking about again, I think.
On our way out of SFO yesterday, we stopped to grab lunch and I ordered a fat beet ginger carrot juice smoothie. I always forget about beets.
Woke up groggy overnight to use the bathroom and was genuinely alarmed for a few minutes about what I’d possibly done to start leaking blood from every orifice.
I’m in Puerto Vallarta right now. We arrived this afternoon, but we booked it 6 weeks ago- well before the current cartel situation was even a consideration. We watched the situation as thoroughly as we could and decided to stick with our plans and I feel happy about that so far. It’s quiet here, more than usual, but still peaceful and lovely. We caught the sunset tonight after dinner.
It feels good to be away from the heart of the beast for a few weeks, even if the beast is still meddling here now. Peaceful beautiful people and culture, friendly faces everywhere, great food. Laying in bed in our apartment now listening to the cabaret next door winding down for the night. It feels good.
I’ve got a lot of work to do tomorrow and while I’m here this time. My goal is to write, move my body, dance, and be present while keeping forward momentum on the important things back home. Tomorrow I set up my local rig, my traveling altar with some grounding rituals, and get out to the beach at some point with a book to read.
I had some rules for myself when I did this before. I made it a goal to write something- anything at all- at least one time per day. Even if I had to delay publishing for a day or two when I was offline.
Rule two, except in really exceptional circumstances, I don’t edit or delete anything after midnight the day I wrote it. No second thoughts, dwelling in the past, or softening things. Follow up, sure. Change, no. I forget how I felt about drafts.
I had somewhat more free time then but I still got busy at times. I think I can make some new version of this work. I didn’t know I had ADHD back then and it’s a factor to consider.
Otherwise, that was it. I’m inclined to start there and bring back my mainstays. Maybe some new rules about spilling private details about close friends and lovers without their consent. I need to consider.
It’s been a long, long time since I last blogged. It was a different time in a lot of ways, for both me, the Internet, and the world. It was a period of significant change.. I was in my early 20s so everything was already in turmoil to begin with. I’d just started to crack the surface of my psyche, just started to learn the depths of my suffering, just started to find the connections and tools and wisdom to know how I wanted to live.
I had a lot of the pieces in place, but a big one was embracing an authentic life. An honest life where I didn’t let the expectations of others, the imposed shame and rules of general society, and my internalized copies of those rules continue to hold me back. To make me afraid.
I probably took it too far at times. I know I used it as a passive communications technique, in some ways more toxic than others. I look back on those choices with grace and understanding.. I don’t think I was seeking malice. But I was definitely leveraging the blog as a way to say blunt things to people I couldn’t have even imagined approaching so directly at the time.
It’s something I still struggle with. Direct confrontation isn’t my strong suit, even though I’ve worked at it and learned a lot. I’m less overwhelmed by it than I used to be, I’m less reticent.
I miss those days. There was a thrilling danger to it. I was wildly careless about doing things that could have hurt my career, and I’m surprised it never bit me. I think part of that was just timing.. I was blogging before “social media” was a thing, we were just rolling our own tools and site templates and commenting platforms and raw dogging the internet with our honesty.
So, yeah, I miss that and I want to explore getting back to it. Most of us have accepted that Twitter is an unmitigated disaster now. Facebook is a shitshow. And they’re all sitting there collecting our data, ushering in a dystopia that we either failed to comprehend or still refuse to accept.
So yeah, let’s rock this. I don’t know if anyone out there is listening or wants to listen or cares, but that’s okay, just like it was before. If I can touch and connect with a few people here and there like I once did, that’ll be enough for me. And if I can access that unfiltered version of myself again, well.. huzzah.
